Deidre & Kat: Is the Long and Excruciating Wait Finally Over?

To celebrate Valentines Day in February 2011, Castro Courier interviewed three couples about their relationships – one straight, one gay and one lesbian. Deidre Triplett and Kat Sawyer were the female couple, with 15 years together at that time.

To see what a committed lesbian couple were thinking about the current possibilities for same-gender couples before the Supreme Court, we asked Deidre and Kat for their reactions. Their short answer is that while it is “exciting and really heartening” that public opinion is changing, the wait for real legal change and protection is still “excruciating”. “All our hopes are riding on this,” says Kat, though Deidre is “hopeful and cautiously optimistic”.

Growing up in the South and realizing at an early age that she was gay, Kat faced the restrictions and induced shame of a conformist society. Thanks to her inner strength and life experiences however, she realized that what she was being told about gay people was simply not true. Then, as with many others, she moved to San Francisco so she could be herself.

When Deidre and Kat saw Prop 8 coming, they worried about the rights of a minority being put to a vote by the majority, which, they say, “would mean that we wouldn’t have rights.”  So a few days before the election, despite wanting to hold out for federal marriage recognition, they got married “as a defensive move”. “I never thought there should be a discussion of our civil rights,” said Kat. “It’s hard to imagine that something as important as your life gets put to a vote. The personal is political.”  To which Deidre answers, “It’s going to take a little longer, but we are very close.”

They also say they are bored with so much focus of marriage (straight and gay) being about children, and indeed they go on to cite Justice Elena Kagan’s famous rejoinders here. They stress that marriage is about love and partnership, and making plans for the future.  But just as the feminist movement brought out that marriage is much more than the procreation of children, so same-sex marriage is redefining the concept of marriage as more reflective of reality, as well as more equal partnerships.  

The couple believes that now society is seeing the culmination of the sacrifices made by prior generations. Of course there will continue to be bigotry, reminds Deidre, but at least there will be the protection of the law in the precedents that will be set.

Deidre acknowledges thinking that overall some of the questions posed by Justices Kennedy and Roberts last week were valid, and that Roberts’ tone “was a little more thoughtful than what I was expecting.” She again said she was “cautiously optimistic,” pointing to several factors including Robert’s gay cousin who lives with her partner in San Francisco and who had good things to say about the chief justice on a recent local news show.

If there is one thing Kat and Deidre resent and which they will not miss, it is having to pay for expensive legal fees necessary to obtain the same documents and protections as opposite-gender married couples.

“We know we have the understanding, love and support of our fellow citizens,” say the couple, “but hopefully we can soon count on and enjoy the respect of our legal system as well.”

From Castro Courier, April 20123